For many years I felt inferior to everyone I met. I can’t explain it. I don’t exactly know when it happened, but I think it may have been a culmination of getting married, having my first child, and moving from England to the US within a span of about 18 months. Up until that point, I was confident, successful, and happy with who I was.
I was 23, my daughter was 6 weeks old, and the marriage was about 18 months old! So everything was new. I was a new wife, new Mummy, in a new country, it was a whole new life. What started off as an exciting, fun adventure quickly spiraled into something quite the opposite of exciting and fun.
No family, no friends, and worst of all, I wasn’t saved yet. I felt isolated. I looked for “mummy and me” type groups to get connected, however anything I found cost, we didn’t have much money and definitely not for something as extravagant as “mummy and me” swim classes!
It was 1989, and we didn’t have computers in our homes quite yet and definitely no cell phone to lookup local groups on Google!! All we had were the yellow pages, that was all. Oh, did I mention I didn’t have a car either? I would walk to the local stores. I didn’t understand why I got strange looks from people driving by; it’s so common in England to walk everywhere. However, a young lady in her 20’s pushing a stroller where there were no sidewalks in California was strange to onlookers. It’s so un-American.
I had to get out. I wanted to meet people. I needed adult conversation. When I tried to engage with people they just looked at me funny, you know head tilt, brow furrowed, blank stare.
All I got were weird looks, a bit of head bobbing, can’t understand you blank stares, worst of all people shooing me away and or mumbling under their breaths for me to learn to speak English!! I’m British for goodness sakes. What language did they think I was speaking!?!?!?
Anyhow, wherever I went and whoever I spoke with seemed to treat me this way. My own mother-in-law included. She went as far to tell me she didn’t appreciate her son marrying interracially, I thought we were the same race! Apparently, I was wrong! They had some Indian blood, Apache I think, in them from a great, great, great, great, you get my point, great grandmother, that I was watering down!!!
Eventually, I shut down. I stayed at home. I didn’t even want to go out. I wondered what was wrong with me. Am I too young, too short, too fat, too ugly, too stupid, or too British? I’m embarrassed to repeat some of the negative self-talk that was going on in my mind. I felt worthless. I was hopelessly trapped. I lost my identity. I lost my confidence. I wanted to go home, back to England, but that was out of the question.
For the next 2 decades, yup 20ish years, I continued down this path of negative self-talk, and this was even after making friends, getting a job, buying a home. On the outside, I looked and acted like everything was great. I got good at hiding my feelings, pretending everything was okay. But on the inside was a raging battle. Things weren’t as they appeared.
Any little negative comment could send me spiraling into a worthlessness pity party. I was always watching people, wondering what they thought about me. When two or more were off talking about something, I always assumed it was about me, and it had to be bad!! Talk about paranoid. I lived a sad Jesus-less existence.
When I gave my life to Christ, raised my hand, and asked Jesus into my heart, my life started to shift and change.
It’s not because of who I am or what I do or what I have or how I look. It’s all because of what Jesus did on the cross for me, ME. His word says in Matthew 18:12-13, Luke 15:4-6 that he left the 99 for 1, I WAS THAT ONE. YOU ARE TOO!
Start living your life like you believe you are worthy. Replace the negative self-talk with positive scriptures. When you feel yourself slipping into your old ways, cry out to Jesus. When someone’s words tear you down, surround yourself with people who build you up. Don’t isolate yourself.
Get up, wash your face, put on your best smile and get out there.
Go make a difference in someone else’s life. It’ll change yours too.
I have found losing me in serving others takes my eyes off me and my problems and puts them on doing something good, showing love to someone else. When I focus on helping others, loving others, praying with, and for others, I tend to forget my problems and appreciate the life God has blessed me with.
- You are worth more than the negative self-talk.
- You are worth more than the accent you speak with.
- You are worth more than the country you live in.
- You are worth more than your age.
- You are worth more than the color of your skin.
- You are worth more than your level of education.
- You are worth more than your successes or failures.
- You are worth more than the money in your bank account.
- You are worth more than the car you drive.
- You are worth more than the number of likes you get on Facebook.
- You are worth more than the acceptance of others.
- You are worth more than the number of lunch dates and appointments on your calendar.
- You are worth more than the home you live in.
- You are worth more than your accomplishments or lack of them.
Aren’t two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. Even all the hairs on your head are numbered. So do not be afraid; you are more valuable than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31 NET
YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN SPARROWS!
It has taken many years, but finally, I am taking hold of Jesus’s words: You are worth more. That’s what he wants you to know today too! You are valuable, You are loved, and You are esteemed. You are worth more than any material thing.
Whatever has you downcast today, tell yourself, ‘I AM WORTH MORE!’ Say it till you believe it. Write it on post-it notes and paste them all over your home, workspace, and car. Yell it out loud to receive it. Give thanks to God for it.
Jesus wants you to know you are worth so much MORE.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. Share on XAnd I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17b-19 (NIV)
By Lorraine Sweet
