I’ve always loved a good story, especially the ones that hold a secret within. I often tease, “Secrets are my favorite.”

Anytime I write, the Lord always leads me to a very vulnerable place. I can’t be afraid of those vulnerable places, because maybe, just maybe, the vulnerability within my story, will change someone’s life.

They say your greatest test is your testimony.

But sometimes, your testimony is the test you failed.

My testimony has actually been my greatest shame.

But God has brought beauty, and enlightenment to me through it.

A quick disclaimer:

I’ve always been thankful for my upbringing. I’ve been protected, sheltered, covered, and set apart all my life. My relationship with the Lord has always been very sincere, never religious. I continue to allow the Lord to refine me and show me areas in which I can grow in every season.

CURIOUS

It all started about 5 years ago. It had been quite some time since my husband, and I had had the pleasure of a date night. Our church had begun to offer a monthly parent’s night out, and we leaped at the opportunity.

That particular evening we sat across from each other at the local Cheesecake Factory. I remember our table was extremely close to another couple, whom I was trying hard not to people-watch, but failing miserably. The husband was looking over his wife’s shoulder, watching the game on the TV behind her. Ironically they weren’t talking much, yet the restaurant was incredibly loud and busy.

I couldn’t help but think: This is the worst date I have ever been on. Where is the romance? Surely there is a nicer place to go to on a date. Is this it? Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?

As I sat there across the table, from my best friend, my husband, I said: “There has to be more to life…”

I was searching for something. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Surprised by my comment, my husband replied, “What do you mean?”

I said, “I’m gonna need you to show me a good time.”

I went on to explain my thoughts regarding the location and how if this was the best place to go on a date, what was the point? I recalled to him different acquaintances I had seen sharing pictures of their date nights and how glamorous they seemed. What made their evenings so special? Finally, he asked, “Are you talking about wanting to try alcohol?”

Maybe.

You see, here we were in our 30s, and neither one of us had ever had more than a sip! My parents were recovered addicts since before I was born and always shared that abstinence was the smartest choice. Thankfully over the years, our circle had always respected our views on it in support of our family.

As we finished our meal, we vulnerably discussed the possibility of having a drink. We asked ourselves some hard questions. One issue was we both served weekly in different places of leadership within our church and even though drinking wasn’t forbidden, it can definitely be controversial in the Body of Christ.

By the end of the evening, we had agreed on a plan to try a drink in the privacy of our own home the next time we didn’t have our kids.

Fast forward a month, we ventured to Walmart for ingredients for date night. We had decided we were gonna make a big pot of chili and try a beer on the back patio porch swing. Romantic right? Ha!

There we were standing in front of the coolers without the faintest clue as to what to buy. My husband finally suggested Bud Lite. “It always smelled good when I waited tables years ago…” he said.

“Ok.” I shrugged and waited for him to grab a case and put it in the cart.

He just stood there.

“Are you going to put it in the cart?” I asked.

“Are we sure we’re really doing this?” He responded.

“Babe just put it in the cart.”

So he put it in the cart, and as soon as he did, it was like the Lord had entered the Garden of Eden and we knew we were naked, because we both looked down and realized we were wearing our church’s logo t-shirts. We gasped., laughed, and hurried to get the rest of our chili ingredients so we could leave the public eye as quickly as possible. (True story) Ha Ha!

We went home- made our meal- tried the beer- it was gross- and made us both super burpy. It was unanimous. Yuck! Drinking just must not be for us.

A few weeks later, I told a friend our funny story. She laughed and laughed and said, “No, Rachael! What you need is a fancy cocktail and a fine dining experience!” She convinced me. So we made plans for our anniversary to celebrate in style out of town. I bought a little red dress, and my husband made a reservation. It was the perfect day! Our dinner was delicious and expensive, and we each ordered a cocktail. Between the sweet cocktail, the quiet restaurant, the music, the outfits, my handsome husband… a few sips in, my cheeks began to glow, and my lips began to tingle. I was quickly inebriated off of the one drink!

THIS WAS IT. I’D FOUND WHAT I’D BEEN SEARCHING FOR. 

The following 18 months were full of innocent exploration. My husband and I fell in love all over again as we tried different fancy restaurants in town. Date Night was now a beautiful and romantic thing.

It didn’t take long for us to break our rule of “just one”, nor did it take long for us to learn what most twenty-something-year-olds learn. Only we were learning it 10 years later in life! LIMITS.

The “fun” had a hold on me even though I never drank to suppress feelings or for the wrong reasons. I would go weeks without the “fun” to prove to myself that I was fine. It honestly was safe to say I was not a candidate for addiction. But that didn’t mean it was God’s best for me. All the while, I was questioning myself and searching the Word. I even asked trusted mentors what their thoughts were on Christian’s drinking, and we would share different scriptures back and forth. Still, it was a secret, and secret secrets are no fun. Secret Secrets hurt someone.

On my most wildest nights, I would ask God to forgive me for having one too many. Then I would make new commitments to myself. He always forgave me, and I could feel his hand on my life. When I look back on it now, He was with me in every moment, guiding me through each experience. He was the most patient Dad in the world, talking me through it and moving me forward.

THEN THE HOLY SPIRIT WHISPERED…

There was one particular weekend that we had gone to a different scene than our usual “fine dining” places. A friend was celebrating a birthday, and the location was a bar downtown. Upon entering, I was immediately uneasy, and so was my husband. This place was NOT FOR US. But our friends were enjoying themselves, so we pushed past our uncomfortable feelings and joined in on the celebrations. This night was the test. The test I failed. Here I would experience my deepest moment of shame. After a few drinks, I found myself in the bathroom doing gulps from a pint hidden in a friend’s purse!

I wanted to walk away. But I didn’t.

It’s hard for me even now to admit that it’s true. It’s embarrassing that I could behave so foolishly. But I did.

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.

The next morning was Sunday. I had taken the week off. You’d think I would have stayed home, but I love church and never miss, so hung over (and still quite possibly a little tipsy), I went to service.

I will never forget sitting through that message. I don’t remember the Pastor’s entire sermon, but everything he said was jumping out at me. During the response time, he began to quote an old song from my childhood, specifically my teenage years:

“Lord, I want to know you,

In my heart, there is a fire,

Every morning that I wake up,

Lord, it’s you that I desire.

And just to hear your heartbeat,

Is what I long for,

Oh Lord,

I want to know you more.”

(Author Unknown)

Then ever so gently, and clear as a bell, The Holy Spirit spoke to me.

He said:

“This is not what I have for You.” Pause. “I need you to be ready, always.”

You see, he was very clearly saying the party life was not His plan for me. Additionally, He was asking me to serve Him for His intended purposes. Specifically, he wanted me to walk to the front and sing the song that my Pastor was merely quoting.

But how could I do that after the way I had behaved the night before? Heart pounding, hands shaking, I thought, “What if I’m still drunk?”

But He would not let up. Go sing it. Go sing it. Go sing it.

With every fiber in my being shaking, unsure of whether it was the booze or the Holy Ghost, I made my way down to the front. Our Pastors were praying with many others and I asked permission to take the microphone. Because I’m in leadership, they agreed, and I began to sing. The anointing was strong and the Holy Spirit moved powerfully during that service. It’s further proof that God can and will, use a total screw up, to do His work.

After this moment with the Lord, I made a decision. THAT CAN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. I have a responsibility to serve the Lord in everything I do. He needs me to always be ready to give a word or sing a song.

“Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it.”

1 Peter 3:15 NLT

I repented and began establishing healthy boundaries!

The Lord drew me closer to Him in this season. So. Close. He asked me to fast and read The Word. So I did. When I wasn’t eating carbs, I was devouring the word of God! I read my Bible cover to cover for the first time in my life!

INTOXICATING LOVE

It was about this time that my Mom gave me a book to read.

The Sacred Journey by Brian Simmons.

I remember I had taken it with me to read one day while subbing a 3rd grade class. (In this season, I subbed part-time)

The book was a beautiful explanation, verse by verse, of The Song of Songs, and The Bride of Christ. This book was about me. Me. I was the Bride of Christ!

I was only a few pages into the book when all of a sudden, the power of God came all over me right there as I sat at that teacher’s desk! My little 3rd graders are all reading and working quietly, and I’m seriously about to pass out on the floor under the anointing!!

I had read the words:

“Your love is sweeter than wine.”

(Song of Songs 1:2 NLT)

AND I WAS DRUNK!!!

God was showing me His love, and I was inebriated by it! I believe the Lord showed me His love in this specific way for a purpose.

In this passage, the book explained:

“God’s lovers will be inebriated with His love, by the intoxicating kisses of His mouth. Wine is a symbol of the pleasures of this world. (Ps 104:15) His better than wine love is more pleasurable than any blessing known on earth. The wine of this world cannot touch me like his love. The pleasure of His love are pure and clean. The joys of a thousand worlds cannot compare to the joy of being with Christ. If only people knew there was a sweeter, cooler fountain to drink from. It is far more refreshing than anything this world has to offer- this intoxicating love of Christ. “

THIS WAS IT! THIS IS WHAT I HAD BEEN SEARCHING FOR!

Two years before, sitting in that lame Cheesecake Factory, I longed for something. For romance. For a spark. For something to be awakened in me.

Only God knew the lengths He would go to for me to fully understand.

He knew what I would have to experience so that the choice would be fully mine to make. To choose Him.

“For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.”

1 John 2:16 NLT

I thank God for that moment.

It’s a moment I will never forget.

A no turning back moment.

I am forever changed.

Forever chasing that feeling.

Forever pursuing His presence, that high, begging for just another glimpse.

A craving.

A vital necessity.

A deep longing.

“… every morning that I wake up

Lord, it’s you that I desire.

And just to hear your heartbeat is what I long for.

Oh Lord,

I want to know you more.”

“Then [with a deep longing] you will seek me and require me [as a vital necessity] and [you will] find me when you search for me with all your heart. I will be found by you…” Jeremiah 29:13 AMP