In all my years of listening and receiving in church, I never thought I would have a testimony worth sharing. I never had an earth-shattering moment of getting saved and turning from my wicked ways, I’ve always loved Jesus, and I’ve always served Him with my whole heart. It was this last year (2020), as I was working through some serious life decisions, that I was encouraged to not give up, to tell my story and that I would make it through this season and if I had the courage to share all that I learned, that it would help others when its all over. I want to share with you that story. It’s a long story. But first I need to lay a
little groundwork.
Your testimony, provides proper perspective, motivation, and a solid foundation on which to build a life of purpose and personal growth. It is a constant source of confidence. When you share your testimony it builds confidence and helps you gain perspective. Anytime you share your story or what God is showing you, it helps you grow!
Something that really struck me this year as I really began to study God’s word was, words lose their power when they lose their meaning. He would show me a word and then I would look up the meaning and my mind would just be blown with the depth! That definition would lead me on to another word and its definition would lead me to another. My discovery of one little word, when dissected, could mean so much, has been incredibly eye-opening. I like pictures, I like to see it and read it. I retain even more when I write it and say it. This is what it basically means to study or meditate on something.
I’m a visual learner, and this became even more apparent to me this summer after I attended a hot yoga class and the instructor never once SHOWED us how to do a move. She would TELL us what to do, and I remember being so stressed out during that workout trying to keep up with the advanced athlete next to me, when what I really needed was the modifier SHOWING me an easier way. For me, the pictures and the words all connect and create a deeper understanding.
I’ve been told my entire life that I was anointed, called, set apart for a purpose, and chosen. The Anointing is the burden removing and yoke breaking power of God. The Anointing empowers us to function supernaturally. The Anointing enables us to do supernatural things and we’re equipped with tools to fulfill our mission.
When you’re Called you’ll feel a strong impulse toward a particular course. Accompanied by conviction and divine influence. A Calling is magnetic and consumes you. Callings draw you towards them. They start as a tiny nagging thought or feeling. Then they begin to consume your mind and drive your everyday life. You’ll feel a strong sense of urgency to follow a calling.
To be Chosen is to be selected as the best. To have Divine favor.
To be Set Apart means you are different and special. You keep something separate in order to use it for a particular purpose, and our Purpose is the reason for which you’re created. Why we exist.
My purpose has been pretty clear to me since I was a child. I’ve never once questioned it. I had confidence in what I was called to do and because I am very future-driven, I always found myself making my way closer and closer to what I considered the “end goal”.
Let’s talk about what it means to be future-driven for a minute. Someone who thinks about the future doesn’t just have a plan for the future, they’re big dreamers. They can visualize their plans and every day they strive for the next thing. They don’t mind life moving forward. They typically embrace new seasons and adventure. In my experience, I’m never truly sad that my kids are growing up. I don’t miss the good ole days, I look forward to seeing my kids grow and experience life. I was also that little girl who would pray to Jesus, “Please Lord, Don’t come back before I have my first kiss.” Then it was, “Please don’t come back until I get married and have a baby.”
Not everyone is future-driven. Some don’t focus on the future at all. Some people thrive in the past. They not only enjoy telling stories or sharing memories but they often times have wonderful words of wisdom to pass along to others. These types of people don’t always like change and they like things to stay just so. Now, living in the past isn’t always a bad thing, but there are others who hold onto offense, and every time you turn around they drudge up what they’ve been through, and not always what they learned from it either.
Others live in the now. They’re very s
pontaneous. They don’t plan. They don’t think about the past or the future. They’re just HERE doing their thang living life to the fullest without much of a care in the world. These people are usually our entertainment. (Also, it’s still possible to be an adult and live in the NOW. My husband is a prime example!) Right off the top of your head, I bet you can put a quick finger on which one you might be.
So, What happens when a person that is future driven, that knows that she knows that she is anointed, called, set apart for a purpose, and chosen suddenly realizes her future is NOT going as planned? I slowly began to lose sight of myself without even realizing it. And by the time I did realize it, I was suffocating in doubt.
In January of 2018 my sister, my only sibling, who is 2 years older than me, got married and relocated 1200 miles away, a 19-hour drive might as well have been the moon for our family at that time. I got married at a young age and having already started my family, I had been waiting over 10 years for my sister to meet the one and get married. I had spent most of my life dreaming of my future brother-in-law, double dates, movie nights, cousins… us all being the best of friends. This brother-in-law completed my family while at the same time, taking my family away from me almost completely.
There was a strange mixture of happiness for my sister who was finally living HER dream, finally getting her happily ever after, while at the same time my heart was experiencing such grief for what I had lost. I lost my best friend, my kids lost their aunt, and my mom and dad lost their daughter.
The grief and sorrow would hit me in waves at random times. I would drive my kids to school in the mornings and I would just burst into tears when I heard a song that reminded me of her. The future I had dreamed up, all the visions and ideas that I had… never gonna happen. At least not at any point in the foreseeable future. NEVER. EW. That’s the worst word ever. Never– at no time in the past or future, on no occasion, not ever. It didn’t occur in the past, and it won’t ever occur in the future.
It was only this last spring as I was walking through a season of self-discovery and healing did I begin to realize that I was walking through classic stages of grief that originated with my dear sister.
I think most people who haven’t walked through grief don’t really know what it is. I had heard of the stages of grief, but I didn’t know what they were off the top of my head. When I thought grief, I thought “Someone Died.” I have never had any close family or friends die, at the most I’ve lost a beloved pet, I was SAD, but it didn’t occur to me until later that I was GRIEVING. Grief is simply deep sorrow, and sorrow is deep distress caused by loss or disappointment. Sorrow is more intense than sadness and implies a long-term state.
In my sorrow, I slowly began to lose my way. It happened very subtly but I began to look for distractions and focus my attention on what I could control because, for the first time in my life, I couldn’t visualize much of a future. Honestly, the next couple of years are a blur. I ask my sister all the time “What year did you get married again? How long ago was that?” Even she has to think really hard about what year it was because she herself was experiencing so much grief at the loss of her family. In typical girly fashion, I chopped all my dark brown hair off and then went blonde, only to go back to brown for a month, to just go blonde again. Interestingly enough, I distinctly remember telling my stylist “I don’t feel like myself” yet, I didn’t really know who I was in that moment.
Somewhere in the midst of sorrow I still found happiness in my purpose. I was still a wife. I was still a mom. I was still a worship leader, called and anointed! I was still a great friend and many of my friendships had flourished and grown since I wasn’t spending all my time with my sister.
I was just beginning to get used to living without her, I could survive this for a while longer, And then I got hit with another blow.
Our Worship Pastor and Wife dropped the bomb they were moving. Not only were they our friends and respected pastors, but additionally he was anointed and talented and our team had found this amazing groove. His wife is one of my dearest and closest friends. The type of friend you see weekly (outside of church) and talk to multiple times a week. We had built these incredible bonds and we would tease each other that our kids would get married one day and that our praise and worship team would record albums one day. We had a future. I remember crying and saying “I thought we were a family.” I had already lost my sister, and now I was losing 2 more family members.
The Grief was unbearable. Many probably remember their last Sunday at Common Ground, you may also remember my swollen red eyes, and us all sobbing as we sang the last song in worship. I was truly in grief. Full-on denial that they were gone, praying they would realize their huge mistake and come back while also confused on why they would ever leave us. All I could come up with was “We aren’t good enough.”.
A mentor’s words would echo in my mind for the next year, “We are all going from glory to glory.” This has been great, but God has something greater for them, and for us!
I was even experiencing the elation of having a NEW pastor, a NEW friend, hope was on the horizon! But getting to know our new Pastor and how he flowed, learning his leadership style, and how to communicate quickly turned into my greatest challenge, it felt like we were starting over when our past team was ALMOST-THERE. I went from elation to frustration and irritation which then lead to anxiety, before I knew it I was overwhelmed and hostile, and all I wanted to do was QUIT!!! Grief scale FLIGHT! I was in the depths of despair! Despair– the complete loss or absence of hope.
I called my Godly counsel frequently and I have cried many a tear on their shoulders. It was right about then that I admitted I was DEPRESSED. The thing about depression, in my experience, is the moment you realize it and admit it to yourself or others is the moment things can turn around. You either get the help you need medically, or just the sheer fact you know you are suffering from it, you’re aware of it, and that alone helps keep your head above water and you can spot triggers.
It was during this valley of depression that I felt the most helpless, so helpless that I could only lean on Jesus to see me out. I cried out to God.
I remember it was Mother’s Day and I was so overwhelmed, that I told several people “I don’t even want to be a mom anymore!” That day my Mom told me it was ok to cry. That tears were prayers being offered up to the Lord. She reminded me that Jesus wept! I cried a lot of prayers, and it was my grief and my tears, MY PRAYERS, that moved me forward.
Because I knew I was depressed and desperately wanting out of the depths of despair, I reached out to my friend Rebecca, she shared with me that she too had battled depression and had recently got off all her meds and had found healing in OILS. (This is not an oil pitch ya’ll) My Mom was also a fan of oils, just because she’s a hippy, so I decided to hear my friend out. She had me hold a ITOVI in my palm. This scanner combines temperature and pressure sensors to generate an evaluation. It basically breaks down what your body needs at the time into an emotional and physical category and then tells you which oils would help your body align.
I really took my evaluation as a word from the Lord. My scan said I needed to surrender and find acceptance. It almost immediately dawned on me that Acceptance is the last stage of the grief cycle and this gave me hope, that I would soon see the end of this difficult season and it gave me something I could reach for. As the months dragged on I would frequently look up the grief scale and follow along with the emotions of where I was at on the scale and would pray to reach the final stage of acceptance, HOWEVER, there were lessons to be learned along the way. Ah. The Journey of self-discovery.
The word journey means, an act of traveling from one place to another. A long and often difficult process of personal change and development. When I think of the word journey, I think about mountains and hikes, or the dessert. You have to prepare for it, and if you aren’t a planner or future-driven, then you may find you didn’t pack the right shoes, or you ran out of water halfway through and the next thing you know you’re miserable and suffering greatly!
As I mentioned before, the words “Glory to Glory” would echo in my mind throughout my struggles. Along with the word Acceptance, GLORY to GLORY became my focus. Let’s get there! Let’s do this thing! To me, Glory is the MOUNTAIN. The word Glory has many different meanings and I kept asking God to show me what this phrase meant FOR me (searching for the meaning phase of the Grief Cycle). Google said it meant: high renown or honor won by notable achievements, magnificence, or great beauty. Extreme joy or exaltation, to take great pride or pleasure in, and the splendor and bliss of Heaven. We had it great, we were on the top of the Mountain, GLORY… but we were called to continue on to the next greatness- GLORY… this Mountain over here. To get from mountain to mountain, (GLORY TO GLORY) greatness to greatness, we have to travel through a valley.
A Valley is an elongated depression between uplands, hills, or mountains. I found it very ironic that the word depression is used here. This is exactly what I was going through.
Valleys are formed by erosion (wind and water) that gradually cause destruction and wearing away. Such as heavy winds and lots of rain. Sounds like a storm to me.
Have you ever gotten out your umbrella in heavy rain and then a big swoop of wind takes it and rips it inside out? Sometimes even breaks it! In Oklahoma, you figure out pretty quickly that you need one of those umbrellas with wind-resistant flaps. But say you don’t have one of those tools, or if you spiritualized it, you could even say “armor”. If you don’t have a strong umbrella, then you’ll find yourself standing there drenched or running and searching for shelter, which could even get you off the path or lost! If it continues to rain and pour you may find yourself hiding there in your shelter longer than what your original journey had intended. It’s also really not wise to change course in the middle of a storm. The path is set before you. Have courage, and don’t give up.
In a valley, it’s difficult to ignore the length of your journey. From the valley, you may be able to see the peak of the mountain, the goal, and it may seem unreachable or too far away to bear. Or your valley may be so long and bleak, almost desolate that you see no end in sight, all you see is exactly where you are, and nothing else. No hope. No future. The past was bleak. The present is bleak. And the future is bleak.
Bleak means: dreary, miserable, unlikely to have a favorable outcome.
You know they say, Hindsight is 2020. If you think about being in the midst of the worst, you don’t really see all factors clearly. You look around you and you don’t understand why something is happening. Surely this is all some big mistake. It’s only after you have walked through something major and made it to the other side that you look back and you see clearly… Oh. I get it, Lord. I understand why this happened, and goodness how I’ve grown since then.
When we’re on the mountain, where we rise above our surroundings, we can see all around us. We see the promise. We see the future, and we can see the past, clearly. One thing we can count on is that through the highs and the lows of our journey, that Jesus is right by our side, helping us through and guiding us forward.
As I continued to lean on Jesus and search for meaning, the Lord began to show me I was in a season of transition. I began questioning whether it was time for me to move on from my church of the last seven years. Maybe this wasn’t my place anymore. Maybe the Glory to Glory I was looking for would come from a new position at a different church. If this was truly where I was supposed to be, why did it hurt so much? What hurt more than staying was the thought of leaving. This was truly the most painful and difficult of all seasons. To leave my family. To leave my purpose. To leave my calling. To start over. I was in anguish over this decision.
I think most people can feel a shift when they are in a season of transition. I also think a lot of people take this feeling as a cue from God to pack up and leave. This doesn’t feel good, and I don’t like it, I’m offended! See ya! I felt strongly that it was not God’s will for me to leave because of an offense and that he really wanted me to see this season through to the end.
The word TRANSITION means the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. I began to study this word. The Lord spoke it clearly to me, and I started seeing it everywhere! That’s what happens when God is working. Things begin to leap off the page at you! I remember I had just started following Steven Furtick on Facebook, like the day before- and I swear, everything he posted that day was like he was talking directly to me. Just me.
The Greatest test is in transition. So get ready for this. If you are being tested, you are in transition. God is teaching you to stand- to stand when it’s uncertain, to stand when it doesn’t feel good, to stand when it’s controversial, to stand when it doesn’t seem to be happening, to stand on what you know when you can’t trust what you see or what you feel. You’re in transition and transition takes a little time. Now the decision is this: do you hold onto the old, or do you lean into the new? You had your spot, you had your system, you had your support but now you’re in transition and you can’t do what you used to do anymore. This requires that the excuses that have become so embedded in your life have to be left behind at the spot of your transformation. It’s going to require letting go of old habits. What the means is God is growing you up. You’ve gone as far as you can go holding onto what you used to be. God has put something in you. He’s doing a new thing.
Steven Furtick
“God is growing you up.” Boom. Old habits. Boom. Excuses. Boom. It was very clear to me, that if I didn’t begin to habitually seek God and grow my personal relationship and MATURE, that I would stay in this valley and never reach the mountaintop.
During my quiet time that same day, I was broken and searching but my heart was surrendered and as I journaled, a song played on my Alexa, and the presence of God filling my room. I remember the first time I had heard the song a couple of years ago, I wasn’t too sure about it. I remember thinking, what a WEIRD song and I honestly didn’t care for it. But God has a funny way of getting our attention, there I sat in my quiet time and the song was wrecking me. The song unfolded lyric by lyric and the revelation of it all planted deep into my heart.
New Wine by Hillsong Worship.
In the crushing, in the pressing, you are making new wine.
In the soil, I now surrender, you are breaking new ground.
Transition is the process of change! The crushing and pressing is a process! It’s not going to feel good! A PROCESS is a series of steps taken in order to achieve a particular end or completion. A series of steps? This is gonna take a while!
To bring wine to completion you have to crush and press those grapes. They aren’t being destroyed, they are being made into something new. Diamonds are formed under extreme heat and pressure, underground, and in darkness. Doesn’t sound fun! But what beauty to behold when the process is complete! Gold is formed by erosion against rocks, (remember erosion?) the erosion releases the minerals that are then carried downstream, collected, and then melted into fine artifacts. How precious is gold? How precious are you to God? WE WILL go through transition, we will go through a process to reach completion.
And Lookie- there! There’s that word surrender again! Remember, the Lord gave me the words surrender and acceptance when I held the ITOVI scanner? To surrender means to cease resistance and submit. Give up, hand ourselves over. To abandon yourself entirely and to yield. I had to stop trying to control everything, including my future. I needed to cease resistance. Even if I felt like I was right and everyone else was wrong.
So I yield to you and to your careful hand.
When I yield I give way under force or pressure. I allow someone to move in front of me or before me. They take over and we let them. When I trust you I don’t need to understand. I LOVE The Passion Translation for Proverbs 3:5:
Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on him to guide you, and he will lead you in every decision you make. Become intimate with him in whatever you do, and he will lead you wherever you go. Don’t think for a moment that you know it all, for wisdom comes when you adore him with undivided devotion and avoid everything that’s wrong. Then you will find the healing refreshment your body and spirit long for.
At this time I was full of opinions and offense and doubt, and I KNEW to reach acceptance I had to find a way to TRUST completely, to have a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone/something, to have confidence. This was going to come through devotion and intimacy with Jesus.
“Make me your vessel, make me an offering.
Make me whatever You want me to be.
I came here with nothing, but all You have given me.
Jesus bring new wine out of me.”
This is complete surrender. I am the vessel. I am the receiver of God’s anointing, I am holding or embodying a particular quality. What I have inside of me I offer it, as an offering, a gift, a contribution, and I’m doing it all on behalf of Jesus. Why?
Cause where there is new wine,
There is new power.
There is new freedom
And the kingdom is here.
I lay down my old flames
To carry your new fire today.
Because I want POWER– the ability to act or have influence over others, to move or travel with speed or force, (um, yes please!) to have power means to have Strength! (Why do you think they call it powerlifting?)
Because I want FREEDOM– the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. Having the ability to act or change without constraint.
Because I want FIRE- combustion, burning, give out bright light, heat, burning sensation. (when the Holy Spirit rests upon you, you will feel that!)
Fervent, passionate emotion or enthusiasm. Luminosity, glow, stimulate, excite, and to discharge a weapon. (Did you ever think about new fire being this ability to kick some enemy tail?)I had to lay everything down and let Jesus do a work in me!
TELL MY STORY. 
I had already begun to reach out to others, and my godly council would tell me, “You need to write a letter. You need to talk to Pastor and let him shepherd you through this season.” I knew I needed to tell my story, and I would eventually write that letter, but I knew God was still at work and when the time was right, I would have peace. I stumbled along the most interesting thing. In literature, a writer, or an author, will often use transition words to help a piece of writing flow
together smoothly. In writing, transition words or phrases, help disconnected pieces or ideas turn into a unified whole. It also prevents the reader from getting lost and gives a clearer understanding. I’m not even kidding. It was another ironic way that God was showing me all his little mysteries to my season. In our journey through the valley, through our
transitions, he’s going to help us keep from getting lost and he’s going to give us the understanding we need to make it through if we will just trust Him.
In writing, you usually see transition words between paragraphs and chapters. Words and phrases like:
Never the less– I will carry on
Despite- the fact
Instead– of leaving, I will stay
Even though– I don’t understand why, I choose to trust
Then again– God’s word says…
Regardless– of my circumstances I will praise the Lord
However– bad it may seem, I will praise Him
Rather than– shrinking back into seclusion, I will smile more, and give more.
Even if– I want to quit, I won’t.
In the meantime– I will focus on what God has for me.
An author is a writer, originator or creator of something, especially a plan or idea.
Hebrews 12:2 (amp)
[Looking away from all that will distract us] focusing our eyes on Jesus, who is the Author and perfecter of faith [the first incentive for our belief and the one who brings our faith to maturity] who for the joy [of accomplishing the goal] set before Him, endured the cross, disregarding the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God [revealing His deity, his authority, and the completion of his work].
Because God is the author of all, and every great writer uses transitions, you can guarantee that we are going to have times of transition in our story. And did you guys see that word maturity? Like, God is just showing off now.
Without the transition, the story doesn’t make sense. How did Rachael get from point A to point B? Something is missing. If we pray away these times of trouble, or we give up and close the book halfway through, nopedon’t like where this book is going, lets start a new book… we miss out on the beautiful ending that the Author had planned all along.
Character grows out of learning to persevere through MANY trials. Romans 5:3-4 (TPT) says:
But that’s not all! Even in times of trouble we have a joyful confidence, knowing that our pressures will develop in us patient endurance. And patient endurance will refine our character and proven character leads us back to hope.
PERSEVERE, continue even in the most difficult times or with little or no prospect of success. Keep going! To maintain your purpose despite discouragement! ENDURANCE, don’t give way to an unpleasant or difficult process and withstand wear and tear. James 1:2-4 says:
My fellow believers, when it seems as though you are facing nothing but difficulties, see it as an invaluable opportunity to experience the greatest joy that you can! For you know that when your faith is tested it stirs up POWER within you to endure all things. And then as your endurance grows even stronger it will release perfection into every part of your being until there is nothing missing and nothing lacking.
Sometimes life doesn’t go the way we plan. Sometimes your sister moves away and you miss her terribly. Sometimes your friends leave, and it feels like someone hit the refresh button, and you lost all the saved work you’d been working on for the last 6 years. Sometimes you’ll feel insulted and angry, but take a step back and look for the full picture.
We have a plan, but God has a better one. A plan is an intention or decision about what one is going to do. He decides and arranges it in advance. They are detailed instructions. Like putting a dresser together or baking a cake. Without every piece, it is not going to work out.
Proverbs 16:9 (amp) says:
A man’s mind plans his way, as he journeys through life, but the Lord directs his steps and establishes them.
Psalms 37:23 & 24 (amp):
the steps of a [good and righteous] man are directed and established by the Lord, and he delights in his way and [blesses his path]. When he falls, he will not be hurled down, Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand and sustains him.
When God DIRECTS us, he aims us in a particular direction. I think about the Lord aiming an arrow, he is a master at archery. He is a perfect shot. Bulls eye, every time.
God can also direct me by managing or supervising me. He’s looking out for me. He’s developing me, cultivating good behaviors, and weeding out
the bad behaviors.
To direct me, he is placing me on a straight route, without breaking a journey. Like a direct flight. No layovers, or rerouting.
My path is established. It is firm, stable, permanent, true, and certain. The Lord told me: I’ve decided and arranged plans for you in advance, Rachael. It’s detailed, and you will achieve something. It’s a good plan. They’re not written in Chinese. You’re not missing page 3 of the instructions. It’s a complete plan.
We all know Philippians 1:6:
– being confident of this very thing, that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
Again, soak in this version:
I pray with great faith for you, because I am fully convinced that the One who began this glorious work in you will faithfully continue the process of maturing you and will put his finishing touches to it until the unveiling of our Lord Jesus Christ! (The amplified says, the day he returns) (TPT)
To be COMPLETE is having all required skills or character, maturity, perfect in kind or quality. Ha Ha! The process of maturing me? There it is again! We won’t reach the end of our journey, or “completion” until the day Jesus returns. It’s actually comical to even think that we would have all the required skills, and could be perfect before then. Yet, I always thought I could see the finish line of my purpose… that I was ALMOST THERE.
Romans 8:18:
I am convinced that any suffering we endure is less than nothing compared to the magnitude of the glory, (magnificence and great beauty) that is about to be unveiled within us.
The Glory wasn’t something I was looking for on the outside. It wasn’t recording that professional album. It wasn’t having a church of 2500 people or being able to say “I’m a worship Pastor with a team of 25.” The Glory processes and happens within me.
The BEAUTY within, the best feature, a combination of qualities that pleases the intellect or moral senses. A very high standard, within, excellent of its kind. Possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, or think about. Can we find beauty in ourselves as God does?
Life is about the journey, not the destination. I will not reach the end until the day he returns. But I have trekked through that valley of grief and up that incline to acceptance.
Acceptance. Deep sigh. The willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation. The reality of a situation that is often negative, tolerating without attempting to change the situation or protest it. To not protest?! But that’s impossible, Lord! But with a surrendered heart, I’ve accepted the unpleasant, and my heart says “It’s not so bad, Rach. Look how much you’ve grown! You’re stronger now. If none of this had happened, you would not be who you are today.”
I am at the top of the mountain, looking back on it all. I’ve found myself again. I have in my sights what is next… for me. It involves courage, it requires an intimate relationship with Jesus, it requires growth and perseverance. There will be another valley up ahead, but this time I’m ready for it. I’ve got my weatherproof umbrella. I’m moving on to a new chapter in my story and the author of it all knows exactly how it ends, he knows my destination and he is leading, guiding, and directing me to completion. He’s called me. He’s chosen me. He’s anointed me, and He’s equipping me.
Rachael Strickland
